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Again, I apologize for my delay in posting again. Been pretty busy.

If you are hoping to hear an update of exactly what I've done so far in Japan, I'm afraid this is not the post you want to read. I've realized I'm awful at writing about what we've done, and I'm better off just sharing my current thoughts about things. So bear with me, as I've had a lot to think about lately.

First off, I've been wondering why on earth God has brought me here. I certainly don't feel like the most competent or qualified person here. At first, I felt as if the only reason I was here was due to the fact that they didn't have another person to lead music, which is a pretty crucial part of our team. I figured that was my part to play, and I didn't have much purpose beyond that. Which, to be honest, isn't what I had hoped for.

To be clear, I love playing music. I love leading people in worship. But that is not my passion. My passion is people. My passion is encouraging people. I long to bring hope to the broken, bring words of life to those who find themselves trapped in death. In fact, you could say I love leading worship because I love people, and I want to communicate hope to them through song. So, the thought that I would be used solely for music wasn't exactly the most encouraging thought. It was a little disheartening.

But I am learning to discern what thoughts are from the Lord. And the more time I've spent here, the more I've realized I'm here for more than just singing songs. But even now, I have a hard time seeing why I am really here. I am constantly struggling with a divided mind. At one point, I feel as if this will be the last trip I make here, and that I don't truly have a heart for the Japanese. At the next point, I feel as if this is what I was made for, that all my life has been leading up to this ministry. As soon as I seem to have a solid direction for my life, doubts set in, the strongest of those a result of comparing myself with others. I begin to evaluate things I've seen God doing in this trip and categorize them as evidence that I should be pursuing this as a long term ministry. But then the thoughts come into my head that "this person" or "that person" had some of the same evidence, and they're not going to Japan. Or that maybe I'm just reading into things too much. Or that I really don't have a heart for this ministry. In the end, my heart doesn't know what to do.

Along with having a divided mind, I'm struggling with a lack of emotion. Without going into too much detail, I'll try and explain why I think this is. A couple years ago, I got hurt by this girl bad. Really bad. It wasn't entirely her fault, as there were certainly many things that I did wrong. But I was really hurt nonetheless. As a result, my feelings kind of turn off whenever I begin to get close to anyone. In fact, I almost want to run away from any situation where my heart becomes vulnerable. I saw this happen two years ago during the August Mission To Japan program. I had gotten really close to the students, especially the one staying at my house. Perhaps this was the group I had and still have been closest to. About three or four days before they left, I lost all feelings for them. Gone. It was as if I didn't care any longer. Now, in my mind I cared. In my mind I loved them dearly. But my heart quit caring.

And it's still doing that.

But nonetheless, I've seen more evidence of God leading me in this direction. Even now it's difficult for me to write this, as it seems my heart is screaming, "NO!!!!" I believe this played a major part in my uncertainty of whether I wanted to go to Japan this year or not. My heart is so uncertain, and so terrified of some unspoken fear. I'm not sure what it will take for me to be healed of this, but I pray healing comes soon, because this thorn in my flesh seems to affect every facet of my life.

To be honest, I'm terrified of the truth. I'm terrified that it will be that all this is for naught. I'm terrified that I've gotten my hopes up for finally finding my way just to find out that this was just another wild goose chase that I got the wrong idea about. I'm terrified that all the evidence I see for having a future in Japan is all just a result of me reading too far into things. I'm petrified.

It is not that I don't realize that God does all things for a purpose. I see that. I know that. I know that even if He brought me here this one time and never does again that this trip isn't all for naught. But, if I'm to be completely real with you all, I have to admit that that knowledge is not abundantly helpful.

Perhaps all I can do is ask for your prayer. Things are difficult. And I'm afraid they won't get any easier for a long time. The enemy takes great joy in tormenting and confusing me, and I'm not strong enough to combat all his lies. Please pray that I begin to discern the voices of God and have a unified mind.

You may have wondered why my blog name is "Lost Boy". Some people I know would tend to cringe at that name, feeling that "lost" has a negative connotation that goes along the lines of being spiritually lost. I didn't choose that title because I still feel lost in a spiritual sense.

There's a line in a song called "Lost Boys" that says, "Hardly a man, no longer a child. I'm just another lost boy." This is the way I feel currently. I'm in this transitional phase of my life where I feel lost. I'm searching for my purpose. And most of the time I feel as if I'm groping through the darkness. I know one day I will see the end of these trials, and would even admit to the fact that most of these trials have been brought upon by my own actions. I know one day things will be clearer than now. I know one day God will deliver me from these pains.

Until then, I'm just another lost boy.

Well...it's been almost a week since my last post...I'm not quite as consistent with this blogging stuff as I thought I would be. Between visiting universities, having Bible studies, and being questioned by the Japanese police, we've had our hands full.

Where to start? Saturday we went to Arashiyama and visited Monkey Mountain...which is exactly what it sounds like...a mountain full of monkeys. There's nothing too spectacular about it besides the fact that at the top you can feed the monkeys peanuts and apples, and that there's a pretty large slide with a rather painful bump in the middle of it. Nothing especially awesome happened Saturday, but it was fun nonetheless.

Sunday we attended the church's service around 11:40. The worship always sticks out to me at these church services, not because the music is great or anything like that, but because of the people's response to the music. Most of the songs are a little dated (or at least sound dated...they're not in English so I can't really tell) compared to what we sing back home. They're not especially catchy or beautiful or unique. But watching the other Japanese around me worship God and put their whole heart into their worship speaks to me. It encourages me. It's funny, because all along we talked about going to Japan to encourage the Japanese Christians (which is definitely a major part of what we do), but we didn't talk about the fact that we would more than likely be encouraged by their devotion to Christ. And though I expected it would happen, because it happened last year, I underestimated how much it would impact me again. I'm definitely looking forward to next Sunday's worship service.

Monday was our rest/free day. It started off with me opening the wrong door to go downstairs and tripping the church's alarm system. Typical. Thankfully, nothing terrible happened save the security company calling and asking what happened. That afternoon, we visited Osaka Aquarium, one of the few aquariums with whale sharks (I'll be posting videos soon...hopefully). Gotta say it was one of the coolest experiences I've ever had. After that we went to Mayuko's house to have dinner with her family. Mayuko told us ahead of time that they would have a little food for us there, but that we may want to buy a snack at a local convenience store. I've always considered the Japanese understanding of the word "little" to be pretty spot on. They have little houses, little cars, little portions, little cups, little babies, little towels (that don't wrap around your entire waist, mind you...you just gotta hope no one ends up standing behind you), little clothing sizes, etc. In this case, however, the "little bit of food" Mayuko's family had for us consisted of strawberries, beef, rice, fried shrimp/fish, and an entire tray of sushi, not to mention several types of drinks not including water. If you're reading this, Mayuko, just know you've received the "Understatement of the Year" award. Afterwards, we came back to the church. Shimon and I made a sento (Japanese bath house) run so I could wash some of my clothes. Upon our return, I was assigned the task of setting the alarm. So I did. No problems there. However, once the alarm is set, we can't go through the church to get to the elevator. Consequentially, we have to take the fire escape up to our room.

Somehow, the fire escape's second lock (the one that can't be opened with a key from the outside) was locked. So there was no way to get back to our rooms.

Shimon decides to call Ai-chan and ask her to come downstairs to open the door, and Ai tells us she'll be right there to let us in. So we wait.

And wait.

And wait.

About the time I realize that I should be able to hear someone when they're coming down the fire escape, Misty runs around the corner of the church, beckoning us to follow her back through the front entrance.

Now, I can't verify this, as I wasn't standing in front of a mirror, but I imagine that a look of horror came over my face. There are ONLY two ways to come downstairs without tripping the alarm once it's been set. One is to fall to your death from the fifth floor. The other is to come down the fire escape. So, seeing as how Misty had come out the front door, it was highly probable that she had set off the alarm. As we start to follow her, she says rather nonchalantly, "Oh, the alarm is going off by the way."

This is the SECOND time today the alarm has gone off. Moments after we get inside, the security company calls. Thankfully, Ai-chan was downstairs with Misty and was able to talk to the security company and explain what happened. While Ai was still talking with the security company, someone begins banging on the front door. We opened it to find two Japanese officers standing outside. Ai put the phone down quickly and began to explain the situation with Shimon to them while Misty and I watched. Thankfully they were very gracious and left after getting Ai-chan's and Shimon's names and phone numbers...or birthdays...or something.

After that we all went up to the top floor, then Shimon and I went back down through the church to set the alarm again. After setting the alarm and heading towards the fire escape, I realized that we had forgotten to unlock that God-forsaken door again.

So I was stuck...again.

We called Ai again, this time explaining the situation clearly, to which she promptly sent Misty down the fire escape to unlock the door for me.

She succeeds. I say goodbye to Shimon, and then hang my head as I climb up the stairs.

As I get upstairs, I head towards my room. I had planned to hang my clothes that I washed that night outside due to the fact they weren't all the way dry. But on my way to the back door, I stop. I glance at the door suspiciously...wondering...

As far as I could remember, the doors on the fifth floor weren't linked to the security system, but I wasn't sure I wanted to take the chance and risk setting the alarm off for a third time. In the end I decided I couldn't very well walk around Japan naked, so I needed to hang my clothes outside. As I walk out onto the roof, I hear sirens wailing. Again, I can't say for sure that I looked like this, but I imagine my eyes widened and a look of "you've got to be kidding me" came over my face. I drop my clothes and rush over to the side of the roof to try and see where to sirens are headed. They were headed towards the church.

At this point I'm beginning to panic. Not really sure what to do but watch. I debate waking up Ai-chan again with my face bowing down to the floor, but I figured it wouldn't do much good. So I watch as they come closer and closer to Suita church. I cringe as they pull up to the traffic signal right near the church. The sirens are much louder by now. I figured I may not have to wake Ai up after all, the sirens seemed like they would do the trick. As they come closer and closer to arriving, and it seemed that things couldn't get worse, they turned down a different street.

Thank the Lord for hyperactive paranoia. It makes life interesting.

I have more serious stuff to say about what God is currently doing, but unfortunately I'll have to say it in my next post as I need to be preparing for my Bible study I'm giving tonight. Please be praying for that. I hope to post again soon.

That is all.

ただいま

Well, I'm here. After about 20 hours of flying I've made it to Japan. And within an hour of being here, a little Japanese girl tried to sign me up for a credit card at the airport. I tried explaining that I was okay (as in, "I'm okay, thanks, I don't need it), but she understood that I was saying, "Okay" (as in, "Okay, great! Sign me up!).

So Mom and Dad, if you receive some sort of strange bill in the mail, it's not because the mailman put it in the wrong mailbox.

I kid, I kid.

It's truly remarkable that I'm here this May. If you were to go back a year ago and ask me if I felt like God was calling me to come back to Japan, if I were to answer honestly, I would have said no. Did I want to return to Japan? Definitely. Did I feel that it was God's will for me to go again? For the most part, no. In fact, if you were to ask me a month ago if I felt that God was calling me to go back to Japan, I probably would have answered with "no". Between my anxiety and fear and emotional poo, I did not feel much affirmation that this was the trip God would have me go on. A month ago, I met with my good friend Brady and shared with him that I was almost certain God was not going to have me go to Japan. The total cost of the trip was $3500, and as of April 1st I had a mere $700. I was supposed to have all my funds in by April 15th. But even beyond the finances, I wasn't even emotionally sure whether I wanted to go. I struggled a good while in deciding whether I should pursue this trip, and at one point I was very close to deciding I wasn't going to go. It is by the grace of God that I continued pursuing this trip.

That day I met with Brady, I was pretty down. Which isn't anything new, as I've struggled with a large amount of anxiety for the past two years, and it can cause me to go through bouts of sadness now and again. But at that point it was mainly due to the fact that I was accepting that God was not going to send me to Japan. The funds weren't there, and that usually is a sure sign for God closing a door. A friend of mine helped me out by making a promo video for the trip to try and help raise support, and I figured that was really going to take off. I expected to receive most of my donations through that video. In the end, I received about three donations as a result of the video. Not to minimize the contributions, because the fact that anyone would contribute to this trip to help me out means the world to me. But when you're short $3000, unless those donations are a grand a piece, you end up still being pretty short of your goal. The fact that the video didn't do as well as I had hoped was discouraging to say the least.

I notice I keep jumping around from story to story...I apologize. My attention span's not what it...we're gonna go back to the day I met with Brady.

As I said, I had a grand total of $700 that day, meaning I had two weeks to come up with almost three grand.  Brady and my conversation wasn't the happiest I've had, as most of it consisted of me talking about accepting defeat. It blows me away that he enjoys hanging out with me when so often I've ended up just throwing up my problems all over him.

So I leave Brady's on a down note. I go home and noticed that I had an email from someone I had sent a support letter to about a month prior to this day. They were asking whether or not I was still going on my trip in light of the tsunami and earthquake disasters, and if I was still raising money. I responded with an email saying that the trip was still on but I did not think I was going to be able to go due to my financial situation.

They responded saying they were sending me a check for $2000.

Wow.

The day I was at my lowest, God provided. The day I was sure God was saying no, He screamed, "Go!"

In the end, I was able to raise $3300 in a matter of two and a half weeks, allowing me to stay an extra five days in Tokyo with one of my three Japanese brothers, Takuro Okamura.

It hit me today how I was on my way to Japan, a place I was sure I would never see again. And it seems that Satan has done all he could to make it so I would never see it again. I'm not sure what all God has planned this trip, but the enemy has done everything he can to keep me from going. And when he saw that he couldn't keep me from going, he did all he could to ruin my view of God, to make me question and doubt why God was sending me, and to destroy my attitude about this trip. He has thrown everything he's got my way. And I felt some of that today. The enemy has already started with his warfare, and I don't expect it to get any easier. I don't know what God has planned, but it's gotta be something big. The enemy wouldn't put up such a fight for no reason.

Please be praying for me while I'm here, specifically that I would have a servant's heart and that I would be diligent and disciplined in having my time with the Lord. Pray that I will withstand the attacks of the enemy. And pray that God would speak through me. This trip is unlike any other I've been on, especially in light of the disasters. The entire country of Japan has been shaken by this. People will be asking questions, real questions. Questions that I'm afraid I won't be able to answer. Maybe even questions that I myself have. Please pray that God would give me wisdom.

I am also giving two Bible studies to a group of Japanese, one on grace and the other on trust. Please pray that God will guide me to the scripture I should use and that He gives me the words to speak.

As some of you may know, I am considering moving to Japan to teach English and do missions work. Please pray that God will give me insight regarding that.

And pray for Japan. Japan is the world's largest unreached nation, with a mere 1 out of every 750 Japanese claiming to know Christ. They have one of the highest suicide rates in the world, with 85% of its population struggling with depression of some sort. Pornography is rampant, and there is an estimated 150-200,000 sex slaves in Japan. It also has one of the highest rates of alcoholism in the world.

Japan needs Christ. Please, please, pray that the Japanese would have ears to hear and eyes to see the gospel. Pray that they would see how much they are in need of a savior, and how much that savior loves them. Pray for revival in Japan. And pray for the victims of the disasters, as there are thousands dead and even more homeless.

Pray for Japan.