Searching

Again, I apologize for my delay in posting again. Been pretty busy.

If you are hoping to hear an update of exactly what I've done so far in Japan, I'm afraid this is not the post you want to read. I've realized I'm awful at writing about what we've done, and I'm better off just sharing my current thoughts about things. So bear with me, as I've had a lot to think about lately.

First off, I've been wondering why on earth God has brought me here. I certainly don't feel like the most competent or qualified person here. At first, I felt as if the only reason I was here was due to the fact that they didn't have another person to lead music, which is a pretty crucial part of our team. I figured that was my part to play, and I didn't have much purpose beyond that. Which, to be honest, isn't what I had hoped for.

To be clear, I love playing music. I love leading people in worship. But that is not my passion. My passion is people. My passion is encouraging people. I long to bring hope to the broken, bring words of life to those who find themselves trapped in death. In fact, you could say I love leading worship because I love people, and I want to communicate hope to them through song. So, the thought that I would be used solely for music wasn't exactly the most encouraging thought. It was a little disheartening.

But I am learning to discern what thoughts are from the Lord. And the more time I've spent here, the more I've realized I'm here for more than just singing songs. But even now, I have a hard time seeing why I am really here. I am constantly struggling with a divided mind. At one point, I feel as if this will be the last trip I make here, and that I don't truly have a heart for the Japanese. At the next point, I feel as if this is what I was made for, that all my life has been leading up to this ministry. As soon as I seem to have a solid direction for my life, doubts set in, the strongest of those a result of comparing myself with others. I begin to evaluate things I've seen God doing in this trip and categorize them as evidence that I should be pursuing this as a long term ministry. But then the thoughts come into my head that "this person" or "that person" had some of the same evidence, and they're not going to Japan. Or that maybe I'm just reading into things too much. Or that I really don't have a heart for this ministry. In the end, my heart doesn't know what to do.

Along with having a divided mind, I'm struggling with a lack of emotion. Without going into too much detail, I'll try and explain why I think this is. A couple years ago, I got hurt by this girl bad. Really bad. It wasn't entirely her fault, as there were certainly many things that I did wrong. But I was really hurt nonetheless. As a result, my feelings kind of turn off whenever I begin to get close to anyone. In fact, I almost want to run away from any situation where my heart becomes vulnerable. I saw this happen two years ago during the August Mission To Japan program. I had gotten really close to the students, especially the one staying at my house. Perhaps this was the group I had and still have been closest to. About three or four days before they left, I lost all feelings for them. Gone. It was as if I didn't care any longer. Now, in my mind I cared. In my mind I loved them dearly. But my heart quit caring.

And it's still doing that.

But nonetheless, I've seen more evidence of God leading me in this direction. Even now it's difficult for me to write this, as it seems my heart is screaming, "NO!!!!" I believe this played a major part in my uncertainty of whether I wanted to go to Japan this year or not. My heart is so uncertain, and so terrified of some unspoken fear. I'm not sure what it will take for me to be healed of this, but I pray healing comes soon, because this thorn in my flesh seems to affect every facet of my life.

To be honest, I'm terrified of the truth. I'm terrified that it will be that all this is for naught. I'm terrified that I've gotten my hopes up for finally finding my way just to find out that this was just another wild goose chase that I got the wrong idea about. I'm terrified that all the evidence I see for having a future in Japan is all just a result of me reading too far into things. I'm petrified.

It is not that I don't realize that God does all things for a purpose. I see that. I know that. I know that even if He brought me here this one time and never does again that this trip isn't all for naught. But, if I'm to be completely real with you all, I have to admit that that knowledge is not abundantly helpful.

Perhaps all I can do is ask for your prayer. Things are difficult. And I'm afraid they won't get any easier for a long time. The enemy takes great joy in tormenting and confusing me, and I'm not strong enough to combat all his lies. Please pray that I begin to discern the voices of God and have a unified mind.

You may have wondered why my blog name is "Lost Boy". Some people I know would tend to cringe at that name, feeling that "lost" has a negative connotation that goes along the lines of being spiritually lost. I didn't choose that title because I still feel lost in a spiritual sense.

There's a line in a song called "Lost Boys" that says, "Hardly a man, no longer a child. I'm just another lost boy." This is the way I feel currently. I'm in this transitional phase of my life where I feel lost. I'm searching for my purpose. And most of the time I feel as if I'm groping through the darkness. I know one day I will see the end of these trials, and would even admit to the fact that most of these trials have been brought upon by my own actions. I know one day things will be clearer than now. I know one day God will deliver me from these pains.

Until then, I'm just another lost boy.